how to write

It's exam time. And you know what that means... lots and lots of writing. Essays. Study guides. You name it, I've probably written it. (Except for spellbooks. I'm sure I'll get around to that eventually, though!) By this point, I could be considered an expert... and so, I decided to share my wisdom! 

Zia's Essay*-Writing Guide

*these steps can be used for any** written text that someone else will see
**except not for blog posts because in that case, the randomer*** the better
***example of word not to use 

1. Read/decide on subject.
2. Stare blankly at the ceiling. (Repeat for as many minutes as necessary, or more.)
3. Write ideas.
4. Realise that more than half of ideas have nothing to do with the subject.
5. Get distracted by own writing. Practice signature or write song lyrics all over idea paper.
6. Erase everything, so vigourously that paper tears.
7. Scrounge new paper.
8. Write down a few more ideas. Manage heroically not to be distracted for more than five minutes.
9. Get distracted, this time by people singing Backstreet Boys songs and dancing along. (In all fairness, this is very distracting and you may be forgiven.)
10. Start actually writing.
11. Look up words because the ones you're using are more appropriate for a sixth-grader.
12. Look up other things because it's more fun than writing.
13. Give self a vigourous mental slap.
14. Keep writing.
15. Realise that writing, like ideas, has diverged so far from the subject as to be practically irrelevant.
16. Erase five-eighths of work.
17. Repeat steps 8-16 (with a judicious amount of step 2) until you no longer have to repeat step 16.

And there you have it, dearest ninjas: how to write. One day, when I am a famous author, you will all read this and be amazed that I ever became a famous author, what with all the blank staring that went on. (Really, this occupies at least forty percent of the total writing time.) Is this how your writing process goes?